Cabbagism

There is a little-known religious group here in America that is very misunderstood. I would like to take a few moments to explain these people and their belief system. Many people scoff at the religious beliefs of others, but it is important to keep an open mind when dealing with other people's beliefs. Just because they are different than yours does not make them any less.

These people belong to the World Wide Church of the Holy Cabbage and are known as Cabbagists, for short. Their religion is often referred to as Cabbagism, although they prefer to call themselves the WWC of the HC. Cabbagism is what I shall use in this writing, whether they like it or not.

The principle tenet of Cabbagism is that God is a giant head of cabbage existing somewhere out in the universal and bestowing blessings upon his followers, but no one else. In respect to their deity, Cabbagists refrain from eating cabbage in any form, and feel that cole slaw is the destruction of their Creator and is therefore blasphemous. The eating of cole slaw is a grave sin, and an even more grave sin is the eating of sauerkraut. As the Cabbagists say, "the road to hell is paved with sauerkraut."

In certain states of this country, Cabbagists get together in the middle of the night and raid local farms where cabbage is grown. They strike while the plants are still young and easily transported, but wait until far enough into the growing season that a new crop could not be started before the seasons change. This has caused quite a bit of consternation among the local farmers, many of whom have resorted to hiring security guards to patrol their cabbage patches at night. This has resulted in an increased price of cabbage at local supermarkets.

No one is quite sure what the Cabbagists do with the cabbage plants they dig up, since they certainly can't eat them. If they tossed them into a landfill that would be tantamount to killing them, which is certainly just as bad as eating them. In all likelihood they are using them in their own gardens, but as ornamental plants rather than food crops. They use them as hedges and borders, for example. Cabbagists have very strange looking front yards, and often an inordinate amount of rabbits.

Now as it happened, one day a Cabbagist succeeded in being elected to public office, since most voters don't take the time to thoroughly check out their candidates. This one was particularly good-looking, and that might explain how he won by such a large margin. At any rate, he was not only elected to a post, but that position was as United States Senator. This was indeed a prestigious position and one that had never been held by a Cabbagist previously. This particular Senator spent his time garnering favors from both sides of the aisle, and was successful in getting both houses to pass the Cabbage Reform Act. This Act made the growing of cabbage for human consumption a crime, and outlawed the possession, sale or use of cole slaw and sauerkraut throughout the United States.

You can imagine what the outcry was against this Act, but the government passed it into law and therefore the people were forced to obey it. It wasn't long before cole slaw was found on the black market, and whole divisions of police forces were set up to fight the War on Cabbage. Many United States citizens were known to cross the borders into either Mexico or Canada where they could enjoy cole slaw without fear of retribution, since neither of these countries passed a similar law.

The economies of several major cities suffered from this legislation, as the sales of hot dogs at sporting events plummeted without the benefit of sauerkraut to put on them.

With the passage of this law came much rejoicing among the Cabbagists, as you can imagine. They could now worship their God peacefully knowing that cabbage was sacred among all the peoples of this nation.

This story comes with a moral; all religious beliefs are valid, and everyone is entitled to their own spirituality, but no one has the right to force their beliefs on anyone else. Forcing others to conform to your beliefs only invites others to do the same to you. Treat others as you would have them treat you. Respect their beliefs.

This story also illustrates why religion and politics need to remain separated. Our elected officials all have their own beliefs, but when they are acting in their official capacities, they represent us. All of us. As such they need to remain balanced in their decisions. Failure to do so might result in the loss of sauerkraut and cole slaw.